it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
