he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
