Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
