i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
