My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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