Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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