My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
