you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
