i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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