I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
