At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
