I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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