I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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