Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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