I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
