i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
