nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
