The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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