My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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