according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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