I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
