There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
