we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
