I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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