He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
