Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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