I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
