did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
