the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
