your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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