Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
