she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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