Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
