now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Buhtt sex?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
bring money and cleavage
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
