You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
