the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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