Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
