oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
