I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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