wrigley field is MILF paradise
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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