Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
