I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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