i think i have two assholes
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
