If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
