the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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