I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
