My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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