he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
