goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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