i need an iv and a liver transplant
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
